xlivexlovexregretx

hurlygrl893 @ 2004-10-06T18:29:00

2004-10-06T22:23:37Z

NEW LIVEJOURNAL!!

xsokillmegntlyx

It is FRIENDS ONLY!
If I forgot to put your username then please comment in my new LJ.
Thanks.
I'll be deleting this very shortly.. just have to finish up some minor details.
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hurlygrl893 @ 2004-10-06T17:21:00

2004-10-06T21:15:52Z

Underoath!!! =).
FRIENDS ONLY!!
Yes, I made that banner myself.. if you would like me to make one for you... then give me all the details under a LJ Cut.

~Meghan~
*1<3 Kyle*

I'm sorry I'm such a bad person

2004-10-06T19:54:35Z

I fucked up completely...
Everything between Kyle and I is just completely fucked up and it's ALL my fault. Yes, I take the blame for this one. I know how much he's pissed off at me and it sucks.. it honestly does. I can't even look at him as of right now knowing that he's pissed off at me. I felt so weird being hugged by him this knowing because I knew it was out of sympathy and everything else. I don't think anyone could understand how much I feel like shit because of everything that's happened between him and I. I don't know what's gona happen from here... he's either gona stay mad at me forever and we'll stay together, he's either gona stay mad at me forever and break up with me, or he's gona forgive and we'll stay together... I don't know, there are several more options that he do. I'm just gona have to wait and see what happens next.

The past couple days.. have been hard as hell for me. I went to Rich's house after everything went to hell at my house.. and I was a little better at Rich's, but not by much. Came home. Nothing said to my dad. Went to bed. Got up for school. My dad lectured me. And I went to school. Got to school, walked straight to my locker, nothing was said to anyone, walked to the lobby outside the cafe.. and I saw Brian. I ran up to Brian and hugged him and started crying on his shoulder. Then Kyle showed up and he hugged me. Nothing was really between us the whole time and the bell rang. And I went to my classes. Had to go to homeroom after 1st period to fill out a survey thing.. I don't know what the hell it was for. Went to more classes then to lunch it was. Lunch was actually okay, even though Kyle and I said nothing to eachother the whole entire time.. well.. just about. Chris is going out with Kristina York, who is Amber Deloid's sister, lol. It's scary!! Haha. We all had an interesting convo about jacking off and Chris just added to it in his own little way.. it was funny though. Had more classes. During study hall.. I sat with Brian and lindsay(not LINDSEY SUTTON), and I wrote a 5 page letter to my dad because he told me to write one to him and he wants before or by Friday. Whatever. I came home. Cody called my cell from Kyle's cell asking if Kyle was with me.. thinking that he was... so yeah. Cody is now my personal counselor, lol.

I don't know what the hell is going on.. and I mean seriously!! Everytime my dad or Allison calls the house, I just wana cry knowing that they're all pissed off at me because of shit that's been going on. Everything is sooooo screwed up with friends. The whole family situation just sucks ass!!!! I can't stand it anymore. I was talking to Rich last night when I was at his house and he told me that maybe I should move to Nashua and just seperate myself from Merrimack for a little bit.. I'll probably do that next summer and see how it goes. I was about ready to call up Stephen and be like "Come and get me this weekend...." and he would come and get me.. he's already told me he would if I ever needed it back enough. Last night was probably a good time to call him, but I can't keep running away from my problems, whenever things get tough. I learned that a few months ago.

Well.. I'm gona go. I'm turning this journal into FRIENDS ONLY pretty soon. LaTa.

~Meghan Marie~
*Kyle MacDonald* 8-15-04

FUCK LIFE!! I FUCKIN GIVE UP ON EVERYTHING!!!!

2004-10-05T21:50:27Z

Here I am.. tears straming down my face. My whole world just crashed beneath me... I lost my brother to my fucking stupidity, Kyle's really mad at me, Lindsey won't talk to me.. anyone else wana not talk to me?? Go ahead. I don't fucking give a shit anymore.. why have friends when all they ever do is leave you and let you get hurt even more?? The family is fucked over. My friends don't give a shit about anyone else anymore.. and when they do.. it's all just a fucking act until one of us dies. Everything is just so fucked over for myself.. I keep on making it worse and worse everyday. I can't fucking stand it anymore. The world doesn't matter to me anymore.. all it ever does is just cause me to go about my day even more pissed than what i was the day before.
I wana be with Amanda and my pepere more than anything right now. I want to cry on a shoulder and be told that everything's gona be okay... but even though I know it won't be. I know I'm a huge mistake and huge ass disappoint and it's starting to show from everyone in my family right now... but my God.. I never it expected it turn out where I wanted to leave this family.. knowing that no one wouldn't care where I was or how I was doing. I'm sorry.. I make wrong choices and choose to take my anger out in the wrong ways... but you gotta expect who I am and stop TRYING to punish me for it, by not talking to me.
I don't know what to do anymore... I just wana go somewhere and start over fresh. I'm too hurt by everyone treating me like shit EVERYDAY. I'm not as happy as I look. I'm not as strong as I seem. I'm just this girl who is dying inside and suffering from all the pain.. who doesn't know how to control it anymore. People say I'm strong all the time.. I know I'm not!! I'm so fucking weak.. it's not even. I set goals for myself.. but I always fail at them.
I don't wana deal with all this shit anymore.. I don't wana be here... I don't wana be ME!
Yes.. I have a shitty home life, my family just doesn't give a shit about me anymore.. except for my mom and Gerry. My friends are too blind to see what's going on with me and how I'm dealing with all this... what the fuck am I supposed to do?? Act like nothing is wrong and just carry on with my day! I just can't be doing that all the time.. it hurts too much in the end. I'm sorry, if you can't respect that... but oh well.. I am who I am.. I am not like it.. but I can't do anything about it.

~Meghan~

hurlygrl893 @ 2004-10-04T20:45:00

2004-10-05T01:13:30Z

Today was really good!!! WOOT WOOT!!
I went to bed last night at like 9:45 and didn't wana wake up, lol.
Is that bad?? Hmmm *scratches head* lol.
I don't know, but anyways!
I got to school, went to the locker room, then to my locker. I talked to Syd, Tom, Kelsey, Brian, and Adam for a mins, then Syd and I walked back to the locker room to drop off her stuff, then went to the lobby, I saw Kyle. So I attacked him from behind and it was funny. I tickled him. tehehe. Sydney asked him for like Advil or something.. next thing we know.. he's taking out a pen full of pills and shit, lol. I was like "what the hell???" and sooo confused. it was interesting. Ummmm... then the bell rang and I walked him to his first period class because it was on the way to mine. so yeah. classes sucked. Gym was actually pretty fun! lol. We played some soccer game and they played Ludacris, Eminem, Naz, and all these other rapper guys, over the speakers. it was so cool. It was pretty sad, how I knew all the songs that were played, lol. I talked to Casper(chris) today.. that was just weird. He was like staring at me and everything. Then he goes "I'm tiiiired" good times good times, lol, I only talked to him because I figured that was gona be my only chance to say something because Mike wasn't with him that time. Lunch was interesting. Brian was having way too much fun with Kyle's back pack, lol. Then randomly Ky decides that he's gona lay down and lean on my boobs for a pillow, I almost fell over because of the way I was sitting, lol. Sooo ummmm... I think Mandy got pissed off at me because I walked away from her, when she was telling me about how pissed off she was at Rich and all this shit.. at that point, I didn't wana hear it because Rich is my big brother and going out with my friend, Tiffany, so I just didn't wana hear it today. Now that I think of it.. I didn't wana hear anyone complain to me about my friends. But anyways.. had more classes. After school, I had to go to the locker room and get ready for my soccer game at Reeds. Then Sydney and I rushed our asses out to her bus and yeah. I completely seperated myself from the team when we were watching the guys practice. I don't think the team liked it very much, but oh well.. they can deal. I did a cool drawing that Nick B., Corey H., and Jeff F. saw. Then they started asking me questions and everything.. I don't know. Then I finally got fed up with just sitting there and everyone having a good time, but me, so I just walked over to our field with my stuff and hung out there by myself for a little bit... thinking and listening to some cd that Fatty made for Kyle. It was cool. The Souhegan Sabers didn't show up till like 5 and our game was scheduled for 4:30. They got lost! And they're only in Amherst... it's soo retarded! Blah, but whatever. We did really good today. We won again! lol. Yes! 1-0. We're doing really good now. Our ball handling skills have definitely improved and everything.. it's so awesome. After the guys finished up their practices.. they all came over to our game... took off their shirts, wrote on their chest saying "GO MERRIMACK" or "LINDZ #11" or something like that, lol, it was funny. They're such awesome cheerleaders, haha. THANK YOU BOYS!! I played on that side of the field pretty much the whole time they were there.. and then Kyle showed up.. everytime I got the ball.. he'd be like "GOO MEGHAN!!! GOOO!!!!" lol, it was funny. It was him and Colby cheering on me and lindz the whole time, it was awesome. OH! Then a guy got thrown off the sidelines for telling the ref. to shut up and everything... we were all just so confused, lol. But whatever. It was actually really funny. The game ended. I talked to Kyle's dad for a couple mins, then I had to give Kyle back his necklace thingy that I stole from him during lunch. Tehe. My dad is such an ass. Sometimes I hate him. He was like "HEY HEY!!! NO HUGGING!! NONE OF THAT BULLSHIT!!!" I was like "dad.. SHUT UP!!!" My god.. no wonder why my friends are scared shitless to come over.
Aright.. i gtg. Rich is gona be here.. any min. Bye.
~Meggie~
I love you, baby. xoxox 8*15.=)

GETTING AWAY WITH MURDER!!!

2004-10-04T00:20:50Z

Today was good! I spent all day with Kyle and his family in Hollis. Him and I did a 5 acre corn maze together, while his parents were a mile down the street picking some apples and getting pumpkins.=). It was soo cool, man. The maze was like "WooooooW! How do I get out??" lol. Then we finally made our way out together, got some apple donut things.. i don't know what kind they were.. but man were they good, lol. I got some apple cider.=). I saw Tiffy(Tiffany)!! YAAAY! lol. I love her. She was like "WOW! What are you doing here??" it was funnay. Then Kyle's parents showed up and we went home. We got home and went for a looong walk. Up a lot of hills and what-not. We went down a trail, it was coolie. Then we went by Julio(Julian)'s house.. I haven't been near his house in sooo long. It was cool though. we talked about everything's that has been going on with friends and family and stuff. Then he goes "Ya know.. I'm lucky I'm even seeing you today..." and I was like "That's because your parents love me.." and I got a kiss, lol. Then we went home. Hung out in the basement. Tried playing foose(sp?) ball, but I was too lazy to play. We watched a little bit of Nascar and drag. Lol. =D. Then Fatty called him asking us to play football, but Kyle told him we were eating... when we really weren't. So then him and I went back to hanging out and what-not. It was fun though. We finally ate dinner. I had a hotdog. woot woot. Fatty, Nick, and B-Rad stopped by and were like "This is a life and death situation..." next thing I know I hear them all yell "HEY MEGHAN!!!!" it was funny, lol. Kyle was like "okay okay... bye!" and shut the door, it was interesting. Ate dinner. His parents told me some stories about Kyle and tee ball and basketball moments, lol, that was funny. Finished dinner and went outside and caught up with B-Rad, Fatty, and Nick. Nick and Fatty were like "Hey! I saw you yesterday!! What the hell were you doing up at 8 in the morning and at Reeds Ferry??" I was like "Watching Kyle and you guys play..." and yeah. We kinda played soccer and sent fatty into like this ditch thing which was full of mudd and crap, it was great. Kyle sent Nick's bike into a cement thing and popped his front tire, lol, loser. =P. We all went back to Kyle's house and played 2 handtouch football. The teams were Nick and B-Rad vs. Kyle, Fatty, and I. I got like 2 or 3 touchdowns. WOO! lol. Kyle's dad was like "YEES!!!! GOOOOO MEGHAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!". Tehehe. They all left and we went back in the house and had hot fudge sundaes. They were okay. Apparently Kyle thought I was acting weird and all, because I wasn't saying much and when I did, my voice was really quiet.. *shrugs* idk. Him and I go into the Great Room and he asked me what was wrong.. so I told him part of it.. but not the other half... 15mins of dead silence is just awkward!! Like seriously. I felt so uncomfortable and wanted to cry because I felt like all of the crap that was happening then was all my fault and just blah. Finally I told him and he was like "Well.. the more you keep it inside the worse it's gona get." and I'm just like "I hide everything everyday... it's what I'm good at...." and he goes "Well. Have you ever tried talking to someone about it??" I was like "Nooo... I don't feel the need to" and so on and so on. Him and I both were like completely tired and just not functioning right. They drove me home and Kyle fell asleep on the way to my house and then woke up when we got to my house and he walked me to the door and yeah.. that was that. As soon as I get in.. "MEGHAN!! TAKE OFF THE FRIGIN HAT!!!" Thanks dad for such a great hello. Wow. Yeah.. that's my home life. As soon as I walk in the house, my dad finds some way to get mad at me and to piss me off. I called my mom and talked to her then her phone exploded and I came upstairs on the comp. I don't know .Tomorrow's another eventful day at school. WOOW! After that, I have a game at Reeds at 4:30 against Souhegan. We'll see how this one's gona turn out, after not having played in almost 2wks. =/. The coach is gona be pissed if we lose this game because everyone practiced with the JV team a couple weeks ago.. I haven't played since my last practice with the REAL coach.. not tje JV coach. So pretty much I haven't played in 3wks just abut. BLAH!! Oh well.
Okay, I'm gona go and watch a Motocross again. Tehehe. I like that movie, lol.
Bye.
~Meghan Marie~
*8xoxox15*
ilu

IrishGMcD33 (8:05:07 PM): i screw around a lot
x blindedtears x (8:05:13 PM): lol
x blindedtears x (8:05:20 PM): and that surprises me how?? lol
IrishGMcD33 (8:07:07 PM): lol

LOL! Only Greg. haha.

GETTING AWAY WITH MURDER!!!

2004-10-04T00:20:35Z

You Saved Me From Myself...

2004-10-02T21:12:13Z

Today was a good day... surprisingly. I woke up around 7:30, took a shower, got dressed, and went to Kyle's soccer game for 8. I hung out with his family till it was over. =). His team tied 3-3. He was really tired, so wasn't husseling that much. It's okay though, I don't blame him for it. His mom and I talked a lot.. it was pretty cool. She supports our relationship a lot and doesn't really care what we do just as long as we're save about it. Nothing's gona be happening anytime soon though.. so no worries. Ummm... then his game ended, I talked to him and Steph for a little bit, that was cool. Kyle stabbed me in the beck with his pins when he went to hug me, lol. Loser. =P. Then he left, so I hung out with Steph for a little bit, I talked to Kyle's friend, Fatty, lol. He was like "Hey! Aren't you Kyle's..." I just go "girlfriend, yes.." and he was like "HEY!! What's up??" So I talked to him. He's a pretty cool kid too. Then Lindsey, Rachel, and a bunch of people. It was cool. We watched Rachel, Kenny, Josh, Colby, Fatty, and a bunch of other people play in their soccer game. Then we all decided to head down to the playground at Reeds. So we did. Lindsey and I kicked the ball around for a little around. yayz. I love Lindz! lol. Ummm... then we all headed back to the game. I talked to my coach, Mr. Wallis. He was my coach for the last 4yrs in Rec. soccer and we won first place the last 2 or 3yrs. He's an awesome coach! But anyways... so far they're doing awesome. Still undefeated! Just the way it should be, lol. Ummm.. then I had to leave. I came home. Got online for a little bit, talked to Nick and Caity in Nick's room. I love seeing Caity.. she's so awesome. We went to Wendy's to see Mark and we ran into Nate Harvey and Jordan. They're both really awesome, but Nick doesn't like them, lol. After that, we went to Manchester to see a movie.. The Garden State or something like that, but we couldn't get in because Nick had to be 21 to get both Caity and I in, but he's only 18.. so he couldn't blah. But that's okay. So we saw The Forgotten. I saw it with Kyle the first time.. so the second time.. I fell asleep, lol. Tehehe. The movie ended. Went to Blockbuster. Nick rented Alf.. season 1.. and some other movie. I got Motocross. TEHEHE! lol. Even though it's a disney movie.. it's still good, lol. Came home. Ate lunch. And here I am talking to Brian and others.
Sunday~Spending the day with Kyle and his family at his uncle's house. =). ((I love his fam, lol))
Monday~School and soccer game at Reeds against Souhegan at 4:30
Tuesday~School and soccer practice right after school.
Wednesday~School, but day off from soccer! WAHOO!!
Thursday~School and soccer practice
Friday~School, but another day off from soccer! WOO! *happy dance* lol. Hanging out with Rich and Kyle.
Saturday~Going to the high school to catch the bus at 8 to leave from the Soccer game in Concord at 10 then possibly going out with my mom afterwards to look for shoes for her wedding that I have to wear. Then probably spending the night with Kyle alone, while Rich is at his lacrosse game somewhere
Sunday~If I don't go out with my mom on Saturday, then I go out with her on Sunday.

So that's my whole schedule for the next week/weekend. Blah. Sooo busy! Stupid coach is in Aruba, so we have to practice twice next week.. WOO!! The whole joy of playing on a high school team as a freshman, lol.
Aright.. I'm gona go and watch mah movie. YEES! lol.
Bye.
~Love, Meghan Marie~
8*15 xoxox

MHS Tomahawks Varsity Football Game!!

2004-10-02T04:36:52Z

Tonight I went to the Varsity football game and we actually won! lol. YEES! Haha. What a shocker that was, lol.
I hung out with sooo many people.
Bud, Tim, Tabi, Rachie(rachel), Wytni, another Rachel, Kenny, Josh, Mandy, Maggie, another Rachel, Chad, Cody, Tom, Josh S., Jon, Nicole, Vega Vega(Christina), Sarah, Beth, Kelsey, Greg, Amber, Carl, and so many more. It was awesome! WOO! I love my friends, lol.
Josh, Tim, Greg, Bud, and I all had like a hip-checking thing going on. It was so cool, lol. Except Tim hurt my hip wicked bad and it sucked. =(. But that's okay. Then Greg, Tim, and Bud left us for their IMMATURE friends and blah. So Mandy and I went onto the bleachers and hung out with Rachel, Kenny, and Josh. It was cooli'o, man. Then we all got hungry and got some foodage. Mandy and I ran into Cody, Rachel, Maggie, and Chad, so we hung out with them for a good hour or so. Kyle called my cell to see what was up. We all missed him so much!! So many people asked me where he was and I was like "...grounded..." they would all ask me why and I'd be like "I duno" and just acted dumb, lol. We were all having fun poking Chad, so I acted like I was gona hug him.. which I did.. and I also poked him, so he chased me and I ran into a brick wall and got surrounded by Cody and Chad and they like had me up against and doing... only god knows what. So I was like "OMG!! RAAAAAAPE!" lol, it was great. Then we all played football with Sarah's water bottle, haha.
All the fun that I had tonight, made me realize how much I surprisingly miss middle school, because we were all so close friends, but then high school approached and barely talk to any of the people I hung out with tonight, it was awesome!!
I hung out with Wytni for a little bit. Rachel, Wytni, and I walked around the school and just talked. It was awesome. I always have a good time with them. =).
The game ended and I got went with Rich, Ed, Mommy Loomer, and Mr. Loomer, to MaLarky's in Milford. It's a bar. We went to watch Rich's dad's friend's band play. They were actually pretty good. So many drunk people, lol, it was soo great! haha. After a while, the drunk people were getting all like close and shit.. so I walked out, then Ed came after me, and then came out Rich. It was cool. We hung outside till it was time to leave. And we dropped off Ed at his house. I went back to Rich's house and we took his dog for a walk at 11:39 at night.. it killed me! lol. I came home and yeah.. here I am, practically falling asleep at the comp and I have a HUGE headache from all the smoke and shit and just ugh! I hate this.
I have to wake up at 7:30, take a shower, and leave my house at 7:50, to go and watch Kyle's game... we'll see if he even shows up though.
Hmmmm.
Well.. I'm out.Bye.
~Meghan~
8*15

Kiss Me One Last Time

2004-10-01T20:26:36Z

;*;JV -n- Varisty game with Kyle and Sydney;*;

Yesterday.. hmm.. After school ended. I hung out in the lobby while waiting for Syd and Kyle. Chris M. and I were like pushing eachother around and crap, he pushed me into the brick wall and wouldn't let me go, it hurt too, lol. Then Syd and Kyle finally showed up, we ran into Beth C. and walked with her done to Frank's Place. That was so horrible. We got there, hung out, got some food, and then the rest of the girls freshman team showed up and yeah.. I don't know. Kyle, Syd, and I just left Frank's Place and walked to Mastricola and back to the high school for the JV soccer game. It was interesting. I didn't like the topic we were talking about the whole time, so I just stayed quiet. Got back to the high school. Hung out there. Talked to everyone. I'm guessing everyone from the my team(girls freshman soccer), is all pissed off at me and syd or something like that! Lindsey like won't even talk to me.. nevermind caring what's wrong with me. yeah.. soo.. then I got mad at Kyle... I walked down the bleachers and to the school and just kinda leaned up against it... I called STEPHEN! oh man.. I was so upset that I called Stephen... luckily he wasn't home, lol. Like I wanted to talk to him and hear a familiar voice again, but then at the same time I didn't wana hear his voice. Then after that Kyle came down to talk to me and yeah... I don't know. Then everything was good after that, then it happened it again! And just ugh! So I walked down the bleachers and Sydney came after to see what was wrong with me and I told her and she admitted to what Kyle was gona do and all this shit.. I already knew what was gona happen.. no one had to tell me, I just put two and two together, I guess. So Sydney and I talked for like 10mins, then went back to where Kyle was and we talked to him.. then Sydney told him what we talked about because I couldn't do it for some reason, so then she walked away and him and I had a long talk about everything and just wow. Then after that.. we okay for the rest of the night! lol. The game ended and the three of us decided to stay for the Varsity soccer game.. which was right after. We didn't watch most of it. It started raining so we hung out under the bleachers and then went back ontop of them to get wet and just sit. Kyle was in his thinking mood and I sat down infront facing him with his my legs between his legs and he just goes "Why'd you stay??" and I was like "what??" and he just goes "Why'd you stay with me?? I don't deserve this..." and I was just kinda sat there, amazed that he was asking me this and I was like "Because it's me, I care enough to stay with you..." and I just kissed me and gave him a hug. Then Sydney and I decided it would be fun to go head first down the ramp because it was all wet, lol, so we did and it was AWESOME! lol, it was soo much fun. Kyle just kinda stared at us and started laughing at us soo hard. it was great. We like randomly decided to go behind the bleachers and just hang out and take pictures and goof around.. so we did that.. then Sydney's dad showed up and holy shit.. he was being such an asshole! Syd left us.. that was sad. =(. After that Kyle and I went behind the school and hung out, acted retarded, and just yeah, it was awesome! My dad called me and was like "meg, kyle needs to call his mom.. she doesn't sound too happy.." so he did and his dad like flipped on him and all this shit, then his battery died and we just hung out some more. I love being along with him. =). The game ended and my daddy picked us up, and brought Kyle home. On the way home, my dad and I talked about why I had cut and all this crap... it was a little bit of an uncomfortable situation for me because I knew that I couldn't escape his questions that time, so I just answered them smoothly and in a calm manner. It was okay. A little weird because I don't tell my dad anything! Nick and I aren't exactly doing to good with eachother. *shrugs* I don't know anymore. I don't know how much longer I can fake being happy here.

;*;School Today ;*;

Today in school was good actually!! lol. Classes sucked as always! Well.. except Math because I had Kara across the hall making me laugh, tehehe. It was soo great. She makes me so happy, lol. I didn't get caught laughing at Kara once. YAY! lol. Justin kept on staring at me like "wtf is she laughing at??" It was great though. Tehehe. Had more classes. Lunch was okay. I got pizza! YIPPEE! It was good too, lol. I made Kyle get something for lunch because he had no money and he was starving, so I gave him the money for it. Brian and I talked about yesterday and why I got pissed at him. I think him and I are all set now. =). Civics sucked! We did nothing because we had a sub. So I just sat the whole time, listening to Underoath and writing. It was good. No one bugged me or anything.. I liked that part, lol. I never realized how much of a god drawer Legzz(Corey High) was, lol. I saw Casper and wanted to say hi.. but I didn't. I'm too scared to, it sucks soo much! Well.. that was my day. I came home. I talked to Steph on the bus. Yayz! I love her.. I might be playing her team for MYA just incase if they're short some people, lol. It would be awesome, to do that! WOOT WOOT!! haha. Only thing.. is that she's on Kyle's team, lol. Oh man.. He'd expect me to do good because I'm on the high school team and everything. The game is at 8am. If I don't play.. then I'm just gona watch and then after that's over.. head over to Austin's game for 9:30. It should be nifty. Tonight I'm going to the Varsity Football game with a crap load of people. I'm hitching a ride with Mandy! yaaaay, lol. Kyle was supposed to go.. but he got grounded.. =/. Uh-oh. I know why too, but I can't say.
Bye, ya'll.
~Love, Meghan~
i love ya, kyle! 8*15 xoxox
If you wana see pictures from last night, then there's some in the entry below this one...
*<3 Comment*

Pictures from the Jv and Varsity soccer game with Syd and Kyle. =).

2004-10-01T19:43:06Z

Pictures from the JV and Varsity soccer game and a couple random ones...
My Sex((Sydney))The best picture of Sydney ever! lol
Sex again... You know you like it! lol.
Kyle being my Spiderman, lol.it's ah...... KISS!!!!! yaaay, lol. Kyle and I. tehehe
Syd doing an impression of my dad pissed off! lmao.Me and Syd. lol. I'm not that short..
ME! lol.He started laughing at me. =(. lol
Pretty self-explainatoryOMG!! HE'S SKIPPING!! *covers face* i don't know him.
Kyle and his Pole. I tried flipping it so it was the right way..
Me and SydIt's 4:15PM lmeao
I don't wana follow in his footsteps
...Come Light Up My Life...

hurlygrl893 @ 2004-09-30T21:44:00

2004-10-01T01:58:06Z

Today was actually pretty good! Yes.. surprisingly.. I had a good day, lol. Well besides the fact that my dad started flipping on me for my arm and was like "You need to stop or else..." and then he goes "Do I have to check you everyday for this shit???" I was like "NO!! I'm not that bad!!" and yeah.. idk. Oh yeah.. that and Jenny like killed me today! DAAAAAAMN!!! But that girl can punch pretty frigin hard, lol. But anyways.. I got to school. Talked to Wytni while we waited for the boyfriends to show up. She started crying and I felt soo bad! I filled her in on whats been going on with me lately, she wasn't happy, but she didn't flip on me for it. Then Dan showed up and I talked to them and pinkie sweared to Dan that I would never harm myself again... hmm.. we'll see how long this one can last for. Then Kyle showed up, he saw me and squeezed the life outta me. Him and I got out picture taken together for the year book? lol, I was suprised when he agreed to it. I'm soooo short compared to him, it's soo funny, lol. The bell rang. And we departed from eachother. =/. Had classes. Math omg, I could of died in there. We did sooo much work because we had a sub, it sucked. Most of the time I didn't know what I was doing, lol. But that's okay. Ryan Murphy started singing "Lean Back" to me and oh man.. it was annoying me, lol. Gym was okay. We played football against the "upper class men"(sophomores, juniors, and seniors), it was pretty cool. They never scored a touchdown! WOO GO FRESHMAN!! lol. That ended. Had Spanish and that was actually pretty good. I talked to Cameron.. him and I never talk! I guess he knows Kyle. *shrugs* That ended, had lunch! Lol. What a great lunch that was. So many laughs. It was awesome. I got Mandy hooked onto Krispy Donuts, lol. They were selling them today during lunch, lol. Nate, Jordan, Mike, and some other kid went around to a bunch of tables and started playing the guitar and singing, lol, it was awesome. They sang "Hey Ya" at one point and oh man, it was awesome. Everyone was like giving Nate money and crap in his hat, lol, so I gave him a dollar, lol. He just looked at me funny and went over to his friends and told them what had happened. It was awesome. Lunch ended and off to Civics it was! WOO! That class always makes me happy. =). lol. Mr. Delisle is so awesome, lol. Then that ended and went into the lobby outside the cafe to wait for everyone.. well.. I'll update more later on, but right now I gotta go and get to bed because I'm sooooo tired.
Night, ya'll.
~Meghan~
i love ya, kyle! thanks for an awesome time today.. sorry about all that had happened, you just gotta understand what i'm feeling and how much everyone cares about you. XOXOX 8*15
~Sydney.... I LOVE YOU! lol. Awesome day with you and kyle. WOOO!!! Hope there's more to look forward too. =).

hurlygrl893 @ 2004-09-29T18:37:00

2004-09-29T22:39:33Z

bitch..ya know what i want
you know you want this
THE ROBOT REMIX!! suckazzzz rewind
sxe
DROP IT LIKE ITZ HOT!(you know how we do)
Fuck ya'll, bitchez! i <3 caity!

Kickazz times with da one n onlay nickzzzzzzzzzzz!! HOOTRAY! lol. BOOM BITCHZ BOOOOM!!

~Love, Meghan Marie & Nicholas Steven~

I Want My Life

2004-09-29T20:26:41Z

Today was aright. Today's block day, didn't suck that much.. surprisingly. I saw Sydney walking past Kyle and I in the lobby outside the cafe and I like attacked her with a hug from behind because I love her sooo much and wantedt her to know that I care about her and that I'm always there for her. I like dropped my stuff on the floor and Kyle carried it over to me, on his shoulder and omg, lol, it made Syd and I laugh so hard. Haha. Derek and Andy just stared at him for it, lol, it was great. I did end up going to the nurse AGAIN during 2nd period! Fucking gay ass knee. Grrrr. I saw Kyle and Colby going upstairs, I yelled at Colby.. but he didn't hear me. Hmmm.. oh well. I saw Casper and Mike. I locked eyes with both of them and ugh! I hate how I'm unable to talk to Chris now, I don't know why it bugs me so frigin much still. Lunch was okay. I sat with Chris, Kyle, Hannah, Caileigh, Kevin, Mandy, and Jessica. We all had an interesting conversation about how big Nick Rogers was, lol, and omg, we all learned something about Caileigh that we never wanted to know, lol. Kyle had his headphones on the whole time.. so he missed the whole conversation pretty much. Yeah.. he stole my Slipknot cd "Iowa" I'll probably get it back during the JV game, if he still wants me to go with me. Colby wrote "Zubit" on Ky's arm, lol, I was like "yeah...okay... that sounds something that Colby would definitely do" Umm.. Kevin tried pushing me over and it almost worked till he grasped onto my hands to help me prevent from falling on the table, lol. Nothing really happened today. Oh! For English, we went to the library to do a scavenger hunt and it was nifty! We were only supposed to be there for an hr.. but it ended up being the whole class. Vega noticed my arm. =[. Whoops. I forgot that they were there, so I pulled up my sleeve because it was hot in the room. Phys. Science was okay. Jarrett and I had an interesting conversation about how far we've both gone.. and holy shit... HE BEAT ME in that one! lol. Then he was asking me if I've had sex with Kyle yet and I was like "no.." then he asked me if i ever would and i just go "i'm not sure" so yeah.. he's an awesome guy though. He's wicked funny. We had to do a lab and ugh.. it was one of the most boring lab I have ever done in my life! Then had study with Chris, Josh, and Brian. That was funny. I texted Kyle.. I don't think he got it.. or he did, but was too lazy to reply, lol, oh well. Brian and I were "talking on AIM" it was really on a piece of paper and we put our sns down and shit. He said that bring myself down too much now and think about all the negatives things in my life.. instead of the positive.. which is true! It really really is. I went over to talk to him because he called me over and I saw that he had a pack of cigs infront of him and on the box it said "STOP BITCH!" it was funny. I know that he's serious about quitting and all, but I don't think it's gona happen which sucks because it's all mixed in with the drugs and he has diabetes and wow! I'm soo worried about him. I did a drawing that I really liked and I showed it to Brian and he drew a cigarette and on the cig, it said "Help me. I need your support!=)." So I don't know. I wana help him soo badly, but I don't know how to. Because if I can't help myself, then how am I supposed to help him. He knows that we all hate what he's doing to myself because we can see the side affects so well... and =/. I'm not really sure how to help him. That happened and Chris, Josh, and Nick colored my burned cds because they were bored.. they came out WICKED cool too. Josh was like "DUDE! That's fuckin' pimpin'!!" it was like "yeah.. josh.. now stop acting black.." lol, it was great. Brian tried rapping, lmao, it was one of the most entertaining things in the world. He can't rap for shit, lol. Study ended and I walked out to the buses with Brian and Hannah. We saw Brian hug his gf, Jen, and Hannah and I started making kissy noises at them, lol, it was hilarious because they both just kinda stared at us and gave us odd looks. Trippet like stared at me while I walked by him.. I felt rather uncomfortable with him just staring at me. Eekerz. Yep. I got on the bus and Tiano walks by me and starts poking my belly and I was like "Ummmm..noo..." and just poked him back. It was weird. Then he asked me for my SN and I gave him it and... yeah. I talked to Lauren, Jenny, and Rachel pretty much the whole time. We talked about piercings and how I seem like the person to have a lot of piercings, it was interesting. Then we got into a conversation about how much it pisses us off that our game was cancelled! FUCKING JV!! Grrrrr. We can't have a game, because they're coach has to coach them and just blah. It sucks! Because I was actually looking forward to play too. I wanted to kick someone's ass to let everything out.
WEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Oh man.. I imed someone, who I know didn't wana hear from me, but I felt like I had to say something to her because she also tried helping her/her. We talked for like 5mins. It went okay, but it was probably really uncomfortable for the both of us. Like I said earlier.. I'm sorry for IMing you. and yeah.. man. I'm still trying to figure out if that was a mistake or not. Hmmm. Yep. I don't know.
I feel bad for doing what I did, but I can't help it.. it triggered me. =/.
Aright.. I'm gona go and talk to people. Tehehe. Bye.
~Love,Meghan Marie~
<33 Kyle. xoxox 8*15

when guys tell you they love you its just another way of saying "can we have sex now?"
^^^
lmao.. I can agree! lol. What do you think?? I need a guys opinion on this one too. haha.

I'm sorry I let my guard down...

2004-09-28T21:27:08Z

The past day or so.. has been pretty emotional for me. I let my guard down for sooooo many reasons. I'm so sorry. I don't think I've ever been so worried about someone and just wanting to be by their side nonstop till I know that they're okay again. I think that once some brings something so serious to your attention... you realize so many things.
A friend of mine asked me this morning what was wrong and I thought I said the word.. but I was only crying. I kept seeing the word being spelled out and flashing in the process... in my head. I thought I heard my own voice say it... but nothing came out. It scared the living shit out of me. On my way home.. I saw this girl snapping a rubberband on her wrist and I could the see the marks from the rubberband, perfectly! I was sitting 2 seats away and on the opposite side. Then this girl was sitting next to me across the aisle and she had a heart carved into her arm. It was a perfect shaped heart too. It looked like someone had traced it and it was deep too. It really freaked me out. I felt like I was being told something by all this.

I IMed Stephen today. The things he was saying to me brought back so many memories of him and I when we went out and when we were best friends. Which me to really think of everything I had gone through last year. The pain I felt when Amanda passed away and still do feel. My parents divorce and how that affected everyone. My grandpa being diagnosed with cancer and how we were all scared of him not making it. The friendship that I had with Amber for 2yrs and how it just went to waste. The "friends" I had in private school that treated me like shit because I was so different compared to them. They look at me and think of me as this crazy ass, fucked up girl who "worships the devil" when they all know I don't. Oh man.. I was always scared to undig things, that haven't been dug up in awhile. I read through all my old entries that I saved as memories and wow. All the shit, I've gone through and put up with.... really surprises me that I'm still here and semi doing better.

Well...I'm gona go. Bye.
~MeghanMarie~
I love you, Kyle! 8*15 xoxox

The hate and the fear
The nightmares that wake me up
In tears
The nightmares and (the hate)...

hurlygrl893 @ 2004-09-27T21:41:00

2004-09-28T01:42:29Z

...I'm Soooo Scared...

Kyle... I love you more than life, sweetie!! Don't let it all slip away from you...

I thought today was gona be a good day... but.. I was oh so wrong.. =/.

2004-09-27T21:54:45Z

I got to school and hung out in the lobby outside the cafe with
Caileigh, Hannah, Wytni, Dan, and some others. It was cool. I talked to
Mandy and Chris S. in the cafe for a few mins. So yeah.. I didn't see
Kyle this morning because I wasn't in my normal spot, lol. So yeah.. I
had classes. I ABSOLUTELY hate English class!! The teacher is such a
bitch! So.. thank God, we got to laeve for most of the class and get
our school pictures taken. wahoo! That took up over half of the class.
I had more classes. Gym sucked. I almost got into a fist fight with
Nicole Fohley during football. =D. Have I ever told you about how much
I hate her? lol. She was annoying the shit outta me, so I had to block
for Alec and run at the same time, so pushed on her boob by accident
and she was like "OOW!! THAT HURT, MEGHAN!!" and started giving me all
this shit for it and I was like "HAHA!! Too bad! Does it look like I
really care?? NO! SO FUCK OFF!!" and she got pissed at me and was like
"Why are you being such a bitch to me??" and I was like "Because I
don't fucking like you!" and walked away. Both teams were just staring
at us to see what was gona happen next. I think I could of kicked her
ass. But anyways.... had 2 more classes, then lunch. I didn't think
that Kyle was school because usually some of my friends see him
around.. but they didn't, so I was like "That sucks!!" but then just as
I say that.. I him walk in. YAY!! It made my day complete, lol. Then I
saw Lindsey and Adam walk in... I could tell that Lindsey was bitching
to him about something, so I just ignored it. Then Adam comes over and
is like "when you'd get that shirt??" I was like "Saturday.." he just
goes "Aright" and I was like "Why? Is Lindsey all fucking pissed off
about it and shit???" and he goes "YEAH!!" and I was like "OH WELL! I
don't give a shit..." I walked over to Kyle and was all pissed off
about Lindsey being pissed off at me for what I'm wearing. So I told
Kyle and he could tell that I felt like shit. I don't know... so yeah..
I listened to a REALLY good song on a cd that Kyle has. The lyrics are
kickass. I wana find out what song it is and who it's by. Then I
listened to Broken by Seether ft. Amy Lee on his cd player. Him and I
talked pretty much the whole time. It was cool man. Brian got ahold of
Mandy's makeup in her backpack and put her brown eye shadow then I put
her brown eyeliner on him, lol, it was so funny. Kyle was like dying
next to me from laughing. It was great. So yeah... then I started
teasing Kyle a lot and he TRIED teasing me, but I think he was only
teasing himself, lol. What a dork. haha. Then I whispered to Mandy "I
think he has a bonner from all this teasing stuff" and she goes "Then
why don't you check.." and I was like "Aright.. h/o." I lifted up his
sweatshirt to see, lmao, Ky kinda looked at me funny and was like "wtf
are you doing??" and I was like "...nothing..." It was soo funny.
Lunched ended. I got a kiss. YAY! lol. I love his kisses, haha. I'm a
woser.=D. I walked up to the third floor for civics, to only see that,
I had a cafe study, so I had to walk all the way back down to the cafe
on the first floor. It sucked. Cafe study... is soooooo retarded and
boring! I have it tomorrow too. =/. Cafe study ended. I hung out in the
lobby outside the cafe, for a little with Dan.. waiting for everyone to
come out. Then Nate showed up.Wytni scared the shit outta me, lol. Then
Chris McCloed, came and attacked me with a hug, haha. Then he started
humping me and I was like " I have boyfriend..." and he still wouldn't
stop, so finally I was like "CHRIS!! STOP HUMPING THE GIRL YOU BARELY
KNOW!!" so he finally stopped. Yeah.. so I talked to him for a little
bit along with Wytni and Rachel. It was cool. I haven't talked to Chris
M. in soo long!! So yeeeep. Around 2:30, my mom called my cell to
see where I was because she was picking me up. I left them. And went to
my counseling appointment. I didn't got to soccer practice. We practice
with the JV team today... Counseling was okay. We talked a lot about
Kyle and school. It was aright. I came home. And yeah.. not much of a
day, but whatever.

xsokillmegntlyx): how was the partay?

MARKHMAN88: off da hook

MARKHMAN88: so many 7 year olds were high

MARKHMAN88: there was a huge keg

xsokillmegntlyx: lol

MARKHMAN88: a big bong in my room

xsokillmegntlyx: are you serious?

MARKHMAN88: a bunch of ravers

MARKHMAN88: a couple of strippers

xsokillmegntlyx: lol

MARKHMAN88: and if you ask me if im serious..

MARKHMAN88: you really needta go to a fucking mental institution

xsokillmegntlyx: FUCKIN' A!! I can't believe I missed the strippers AGAIN:-( lol

MARKHMAN88: ahh

MARKHMAN88: sucks to be you

LMAO! Oh man.. Ya just gotta love him. *BFFL*

<lj-cut text="I Wanna Be... and My place in the world">

I wanna be his m/o/t/i/v/a/t/i/o/n, not to harm himself anymore. I know that's probably not gona happen though.

I want him to [believe in himself] like he believes in me and his
friends. I wish he would listen to himself and the advice he
tells us.

I wana be his BeStFrIeNd, not just his girlfriend.

I wana be ((there for him)), like he is there for me.

I wana be the *girl infront of his face* that he goes to for comfort.

        Some of these are just starting to happen between us.

        I think he's just starting
to realize how much he can trust in me now. He's opening up a little
more nad it's making me feel good, to know what's going on with him and
what he's thinking. It helps me to feel great about this whole
relationship and that we're possibly capable to get through just about
everything now.

         I was on the phone
with him last night and he was telling me what he misses and I'm gona
list what I miss here.

         I Miss...

        * Kyle MacDonald

        * Amanda Combs

        * Pepere(Paul Maher)

        * Mark Hartnett(in Mass)

        * Amy Williams

        * Alisha Ziner

        * my first house in Merrimack(18 Hilton Dr.)

        * my childhood memories

        * happiness

        * lacrosse

        * my old prep school

        * my old frends from Reeds Ferry

        * Charlene Harding

        * MYA Soccer/Lacrosse

        * dance(ballet)

        * cutting

        * the release of anger/depression/stress after

        * K8-3 at Mastricola Middle School

        * my friends from 8th grade

        * Amber Deloid

        * Stephen Deagle(as a friend)

        * the way things use to with my brother, Nick and I

        * Noah and Jasmine(my old dogs)

        * watching my dad's OLD OLD lacrosse practices/games... 6yrs ago

        I think that's it...

       *My Place In The World*

       I'm so stressed out. I can't
concentrate on anything just about. I just wanna do something...
anything! to make it all go away.

       I feel so empty. I feel so alone.
I don't know who I am anymore or why I deserve everything I've got in
my life. I don't understand any of it or why I've got such an
incredibly guy in my life...such as Kyle and all my real friends.

       I think I somewhat deserve my home
life--always getting yelled at, being ignored by everything, acting
like I don't exist anymore, being the 5th wheel in everything we do,
like I don't matter to them anymore-- being treated like this really
sucks! and it afftects me a lot, but I guess having a last 2yrs. causes
me to the bad guy or something.

        I'm quite confused about
life. I don't know where I belong in the world, as of where I should be
in placement of friends, family, and sports. Because I feel as if
I don't belong anywhere in those catagories.. except in a corner of a
room, alone. I don't know if that makes any sense.

        Oh well.

        A lot of people don't know
that I think all this. I don't know open up as much anymore. I think
I'm better at hiding everything from the world rather than expressing
myself to people. I want people to understand me.. it doesn't if they
understand me for like 5mins.. I just want them to understand
everything that I'm dealing with and all that I've gone through to
survive the past 2 critical years of my life. I want someone to talk
to, that I can trust not to tell the world. I feel so left out of
everything.. it's so strange, that I'm suddenly developing these
feelings...

<lj-cut text="I Wanna Be... and My place in the world">

I Feel So...

2004-09-26T14:17:37Z

I'm just sitting here, talking to my bestestestestest friend in the world, Mark. It sucks sooooo much, how I haven't seen him in 6 months. Then once my chance comes to see him and hang out with him for the day... I can't. Today is his little brother's(Luke's) birthday! I miss him as well. Grrr! I hate this. I wana see Mark.. but that's probably gona end up being on his birthday.. which is in November. Last time I was at his house, him, Nick, Amy, and I spent pretty much the whole night in his room being retarded and TRYING to read the page note that Garrick gave me about the Linkin Park cd that reminds him of me. Lmao, that night was sooo funny. But anyways.. I don't know. I was hoping to talk to him about stuff in person, but my dad and Allison decide that her brother Wayne and my cousin, Jean, are more fucking important!! GAAAAAAAAH!! I hate this. Whatever. I usually spend a couple weekends out of the summer at his house.. but I don't think I have in over 2yrs or so.

Yes.. okay, so that somewhat of me venting. I could vent more... but I don't feel like it now. I just wana get out of my house and away from everyone. It'd be cool to see Kyle again... but I'm not gona push it onto him.

Arighty... I'm out. Bye.

~Meghan~
I luv ya.

My whole world is half hearted

2004-09-26T02:21:09Z

Today was somewhat good.

Woke up at 8:15.

I ended up not going to Kyle's game because no one was home to take me...

Well, Nick was

but he was dead asleep because he got home at 1 from being at a show with Todd and Julio(Julian).

I felt bad for not going.

Nick finally woke up.

We left for Caity's house to pick her up

Then went to my mom's house

And left for David's Bridal shop.

My mom and I had to try on dresses.

I picked out my mom's wedding dress. =).

It's really pretty too!

My dress is poofy and victorian purple or something like that, lol.

I don't know, but I like it.

But yeah..

we came home.

Kyle called my cell to see where I was

And if we were still going out tonight.

I said yes and we hung up.

Nick, Caity, and I watched Fuse tv for a little bit.

Then they left.

I got online.

Kyle was on and we figured out plans for the movies.

They picked me up.

And we went to Premiere 8 to see The Forgotten.

I ran into Kelly, Jenny, and Meghan G., lol.

From the girls freshy team.

It was funny.

Movie started and yeah...

It confused the hell outta me a little bit, lol.

Kyle and I did nothing the WHOLE movie! lol.

Yes, that's right.. we watched the entire fucking thing. Haha.

Surprising, huh?

Yeah.. I thought it was too.

So yeah.. that ended.

We went outside and looked for his parents.

We found them and walked over.

They drove me home.

Kyle walked me to the door because he's a great guy like that.

He said that he'd either see me Monday or tomorrow

and I gave him this confused look like, what hell are you talking about? lol.

So yeah.. we kissed and hugged and I went inside.

Tomorrow.. I have no idea what I'm doing now, lol.

I'm either hanging out with Kyle or something or going my cousin's house in Nashua.

So yeah... who knows.

Well.. I'm gona go.

I'm sooo tired.

Bye.

~Meghan~

.i.love.you.sweetie. xoxox

sAlEeNs7 99 (10:15:25 PM): u should be more open with yourself

sAlEeNs7 99 (10:16:23 PM): its good to be open

sAlEeNs7 99 (10:16:33 PM): especially with your body

sAlEeNs7 99 (10:16:36 PM): its good karma

...If only it were that easy....

hurlygrl893 @ 2004-09-24T21:43:00

2004-09-25T01:52:06Z

<lj-cut text="Injuries and me">

My
knees! Can you tell the difference between my Left and Right
knee?? lol. My left one is the golf ball one, my other one just
has a bunch of bruises around it and such.

my elbow.my hip

Me in my Fox Racing sweatshirt that I can't wear anymore...

I can't tell which one looks like the real me... me depressed looking or looking happy.... Hmmmm

Yeah... so as you can tell by my injuries.. I got "killed" lol.

I think I'm going to Kyle's 8am soccer game tomorrow, lol. I wana see
him and give him a hug.. even though he'll be all sweaty and crap.. I
won't care. =).

I talked to Chris M. today for the first time in soooo long! I'm always
seeing him in the halls and crap, but we never say anything to
eachother, just stare at eachother as we pass by between classes.

Aright.. I gotta go and finish icing my knee. wahoo. *twirls finger*

~Luv,Meghan Marie~

<ilu for real> ...xoxox....

<lj-cut text="Injuries and me">

Be Prepared To Fly

2004-09-24T20:33:08Z

Today was interesting.
I was REALLY REALLY quiet the whole day. Quieter than usual. It was odd.
I went to my locker, then I went over to Mike and Alex and hung out with them and their friends.. lol
Holy shit! I have NEVER EVER in my life felt soooooo short, till I was around all them, lol. They're all like 5 9 and shit, lol. Oh man, it was scary. Haha. Then I saw Kyle, so I walked with him to his first class. We just kinda stood there talking. Then Rachie walked over to us and we talked to her. It was cool. Then the bell rang and I went to English. I fucking hate my English teacher!!! She's such a bitch! Aright, so since I like fucked up my knee yesterday in my game and it wasn't bothering me this morning, but then as soon as I went up the frigin stairs.. I was in pain and couldn't bend my knee. So I asked my teacher, if I could go to the nurse and get some ice for it and I was like "Can I bring Kelly with me because I need help??" And she was like "Why didn't you get ice earlier?!" I saw like "Because I was fine then.." and she gave me a hall pass and sighed as I walked out. I was like "YOU FUCKING BITCH!!" so yeah that happened, then we get back to the class and we're doing our vocab words for next week and we have the bikini and the definition for it is "A 2 Piece, Skimpy Bathing Suit" Kelly and I just look at eachother and go "WTF!!!!" so yeah.. i had more classes... gym sucked. I couldn't move. we had to do push-ups and I couldn't do it because my left leg is strong enough because of my knee still. So yeah.. it was all screwed up. Then we had to do the pacer-run.. that sucked even more because I can't frigin run! So yeah.. that ended.. had Phys. Science then Spanish then lunch! WOO!! I was wicked upset by then. And everyone kept asking me if I was okay and I just lied and said yeah. I had my head on the table, then Kyle walks in and sits down and puts his arm around my waist and like hugged me. I put a note in his pocket and went to get a Gatorade, I came back and he was reading it still.... and I sit down and he was he wraps his arms around, so that he could hug me and says "I'm sorry... I love you" and I was like "I love you too and don't worry about it.." But he kept "I'm Sorry" to me and all. So yeah... Lindsey left us because Kelly and her friend walked over and started talking about their boobs to Chris, Jon, and partly Adam. Then they started dancing and showing the guys what thongs they were wearing. I was like "I'M FUCKING EATING!!!!!!!!!!" Brian just goes "Hey Kelly! No one fucking cares!!!" lol, he got the nastiest look. It was funny. yeah.. then that ended. Went to Civics and we got CAKE! woo, lol. That ended and I walked to the second floor with Greg and talked to him about somethings. I just kept walking down to the first floor and walked to the caf to leave for my bus. Of course I wasn't looking to see who was around.. so I look out of the corner of my eye and this big black figure like running at me, lol, and it was Kyle. Haha. He scared me, tehehe. We walked to the bus's together and I got a kiss. YaaaY! Haha. All I hear is "HEY! None of that shit." and it was Brian. Haha. So yeah. I sat with Rich on the bus and we had a swearing contest. Haha. He drank ALL my Gatorade on me.=(. I was sad. Haha. The bus driver is such a fucking retarded. She missed our street and omg, lol, we were like "WTF!!" Came home finally. Rich and Eric came to my house and we went for a walk. Eventually just left us, lol. We walked to Rich's house and I talked to Mommy for a little bit, borrowed some cds from Rich. 3 three cds that Kyle made for him and his BoxCar Racer one. Here, I am just sitting here listening to Boxcar Racer and thinking about stuff. I'm going out tomorrow with my mom,Nick,and Caity to go dress shopping for my mom's wedding which is Dec. 4, 2004, instead of August 25, 2005, lol. So yeah.. since I'm in it.. I have to wear a fancy dress thing. Kyle asked me to go with him and his dad to some police expo thing in Nashua tomorrow. I wana go too, but I can't. =/. So I'm thinking that was like my ONLY chance to see him this weekend.. unless he wants to do something.. so I don't know.
I'll update later...
~Meghan Marie~
.i.love.you. xoxox

I'm ready to give up

2004-09-24T01:01:31Z

Today was aright.
I kept to myself a lot.
Lunch was hilarious.
I stole Tom's headphones to listen to the new Green Day CD.
Kevin wrestled me for a Gatorade bottle to throw at Tom's nuts, lol.
So yeah. I walked around the caf. with Wytni for a little bit because she lost her stuff, lmao, that was hilarious.
We talked to Mike Lambert, Jordan, and Nate Harvey. Jordan was playing his guitar and Nate was singing a song to Wytni about her.. it was like the commercial "GLEN GLEN GLEN!!" lol, or something like that. It was hilarious. Oh man.. it was great. I was laughing wicked hard.
That ended. My classes were boring as all hell, lol. I didn't do my math hw, yet. tehehe. I'm just gona do it on the bus.
After my 8th period class, I had to rush to the locker room. On the way there, Melissa and I talked to Andy Ryan, that was funny.
On the ride to the game in Exeter.. I sat alone, like I always do and just frigin blasted Slipknot.. the whole way there. No one was in a good mood by then.
I was just sitting there and started snapping my thick black rubberband. Then I did some other shit.. I didn't cut. Only Rich knows about it. So yeah.. we get to the field. do our warm-ups and the game begins. I played Mid for like over half of the first quarter and then Defense for the second half. In the first half.. I went to get the ball and the girl behind from the other team, knocked me down WICKED hard, I did a superman dive, lol. So I screwed up my knee so badly. It's the size of a golf ball and has a nice purdy cut on it, my hip is all bruises and cut up as well, my other knee is cut up, and so my elbow, lol. It's soo bad. Haha. We fucking won our game!!!!!!!! YEEEEEEEES! lol. 1-0. It was actually a pretty good game too. The game ended. We were all like tackling eachother with hugs, lol, it was funny. We got our sweatshirts in. They're sooo comfortable. Haha. So Syd, Lindz, and I have the sleeves tied around our waists with our hoods on, lol, and we walked through the parking lot like that, lmao, people were staring at us sooo badly. Hahaha. It was great. As we're getting closer to the bus, the guys yell "OH NO!! Here they come! DUN DUN DUN!" lol, it was soo hilarious. So we get ont he bus and they all asked if we won and we're like *sad face* YEAH! *big smile* lol. The guys were all giving us high fives, haha. So I'm just sitting there alone,waiting to leave, and Sam Green comes up to me. Gets WICKED close to my face like he was gona kiss me or something and then licks my cheek and I was like "EWWWWW!!!! GROSS!!!" it was funny though, lol. The whole bus decides that on the way home.. we stop at MacDonald's for food.. so we did. It was funny. I ate sooo frigin much that I feel fat, haha. I ate a double cheeseburger happy meal w/ a kids size coke, a medium frie, a small coke, a bite of Colby's Filet Fish thingy, and some of his Oreo McFlurry, lol, oh man. Can someone say HUNGRY?!? lol. Sam and I played some hand game, where you slap the person's hand, to try to make them lose their balance or something, lol. So I lost my balance and Sam had to catch me before I hit the counter top where all the napkins and crap were. My coach was like "Sam.. hands off.." lol. So yeah.. then we all pile back onto the bus and leave. The bus ride home made me sooooo happy, lol. We say like the last 20mins, it was hilarious. At the top of our lungs shouting a bunch of different lyrics and christmas carols, haha. Good times good times. Before the singing part.. Colby asked me what was going on with Kyle and I. Because I had brought something up to Colby about it last night and he asked me and I was like "well.. i'm guessing we're okay now because he gave me a kiss and grabbed my hand, so he could hold it..." Then Lindsey was like "what?!? What happened???" and I explained to her the whole thing. Then she was like "WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO ME ANYMORE?!? I FEEL SO LEFT OUT!!" lol. I was like "Because I don't wana up my problems on you.." and she like knocked me over with a hug, lol. So yeah.. that happened. We finally got back to the high school. Jordan like shoved into the side of a seat.. it was my bad knee too and I started flipping out and was like "AHHHH!!!! FUUUCK!!!" and he stopped, lol. Well.. here.. I am. Rich is randomly coming over to hug me? haha. Idk. I'm talking to KYLE! yaaaaay. I wuv him. Tehehe. I'm gona go. Ttul,bye.
~Love,Meg(h)an~
I love you, sweetie. xOxOx 8*15 ...Everything Will Get Better For You...

The world makes me sick

2004-09-22T20:30:26Z

Today seemed alright.... I don't know. Lunch wasn't that great. I didn't really say much to anyone again. I just kinda sat there, minding my own business. *shrugs* oh well. All my classes sucked. Science, we had a quiz and went outside to the track for an experiment. So yeah.. I talked to Jarrett a little bit, he's so frigin hilarious, he makes me laugh, lol. His name for me is "The Girl I don't know" it's great. But anyways.... that ended. Had study... that sucked, but I passed a note to Chris and we just talked on that. Then the bell rang and I left for my bus.I sat with Rachel and talked to Rachel, Chris Tiano, Jenny, and Lauren. Ummmm... so yeah.. came home.. and watched part of my movie((Save The Last Dance)). Yeah.. well.. here I am. Woo. Oh and today! After A Lunch, 4th period, there was a fight, lol, I don't know who was part of it or anything.. but you could hear them in the hall beating eachother up and shit. It was pretty nifty. Oh today! I kept on hitting Zach Caron, lol, it was soo funny. First I punched him wicked hard as I was walking by them, then I saw him again during lunch and hit his tummy, then he hugged and was like "damn girl! You gotta stop hitting me.." I was like "HAHA. OKAY!" and hits him again. Tehehe. That made my day, lol. I met one of Kyle's friends during lunch.. but I don't remember who it was. Hmmm.
Well.. this past week.. I found a new way to get out my stress and all this crazy shit. I actually read about it and the doctors tell SI people to do it.. get a rubberband, where it around your wrist all the time and whenever you get mad or something.. you just snap against your skin. I do that like everyday and it sucks.. because I realize, that the more I snap, the more I could of cut myself and actually cause myself to scar. I use my thick black rubberband that had "Spread The Love" on it and this tan one that Kyle find and just kind of flinged at me. So yeah.. then I discovered bruises and how to bruise yourself.. I sometimes do that. Lately.. I have been. I have some bruises on my body, but those one were caused by soccer, the others aren't. Like today Kyle accidentally hit my arm and I started flipping out and shit.. he hit where I bruised myself and just ugh! I hate how I do this to myself, but I need some kind of release thing. I stopped telling people everything, I stopped expressing myself. Now I just kinda keep to myself and don't say much. I always look pissed off when I'm really happy. I don't know anymore. Life isn't getting any better for me. The only times I'm happy is when I'm with Kyle. I'm so sick of the way, I'm living my life. Nothing ever seems to be going the way I want it to be going and I can't deal with the pressure that is put on me by my dad and just ugh. I hate the way I'm treated by my family and some of my friends. I don't know why.. but the whole Chris and me with our friendship situation, is really starting to get to me. I wish I had someone to talk to. I talked to Stephen last night for the first time a looong time and he was like "Meg, you shouldn't be doing that shit to yourself" and this other stuff and it was hard to take in at first because he hasn't said that to me in awhile.. it was good.. but felt good to see him say that to me.
Aright.. well.. I'm gona go. This entry isn't meant to draw attention to me, just to let me get out how I'm feeling right now, so don't flip on me for writting this.
~Meghan~
.ilu.

hurlygrl893 @ 2004-09-21T20:32:00

2004-09-22T00:41:39Z

//-I tried to kill the pain
but only brought more....-\\

Am I just gona be another girl that you pretend not to know, but really do. I'm afraid to look into your blue eyes and act like everything's okay between us, when I know it's not. I just don't wana be another girl you went out with and just bump into when in the halls and you see me. I don't wana know what's gona happen next between us. Stop lying to me behind my back. Stop trying to get away with the memories that we shared. If you're gona lie to me... lie to my eyes, so I can show you that you've hurt me. Sometimes, I just wana hug you and talk to you.. but I'm too scared to because I know you won't hug me back and start up a conversation. Our friendship will never be the same because you won't allow it to be. I hate seeing you in the halls, knowing that in my eyes, I'm just your ex-girlfriend, but in your eyes... I'm just an average teenage girl.. whom you act not to know. Well yu're ashamed to be my friend and ex-boyfriend.. why don't you try talking to me? Is it because you're always around Mike whenever you see me? Because you don't want him or Brian to find out that we dated back in May? And why I let this bother me so much.. I'll never know. I'm afraid to go to you for help, I'm afraid to IM you whenever I see your screenname sign on. I thought that I was able to go to you for help.. but now I know, it was just a mistake to put my trust in you and also a misunderstanding...

Okay.. yeah.. so thanks for listening to my rambling on about my situation with *him* I'm not sure if you'll all get who he is.. But if not.. it was Casper. And I know I've got Kyle in my life as my boyfriend and best friend... but I also miss my friendship that I had with Chris up until June.. that was when it all went downhill because of a fight we had.

MARKHMAN88 (8:32:26 PM): you're not dramatic at all
MARKHMAN88 (8:32:34 PM): you're the b to the omb babbbyyyyyy
MARKHMAN88 (8:32:35 PM): woooo
xsokillmegntlyx (8:32:37 PM): lol
xsokillmegntlyx (8:32:40 PM): WOOT WOOT!!
xsokillmegntlyx (8:32:43 PM): OH YEAH!8-)
MARKHMAN88 (8:40:11 PM): so hows the k man?
xsokillmegntlyx (8:40:22 PM): awesomely good, lol
xsokillmegntlyx (8:40:27 PM): he played hookie today, lol
xsokillmegntlyx (8:40:32 PM): LoseR:-P
MARKHMAN88 (8:40:35 PM): lmao
MARKHMAN88 (8:40:37 PM): hookie...
MARKHMAN88 (8:40:40 PM): sucha funny word
xsokillmegntlyx (8:40:45 PM): lol, yeah no kidding
MARKHMAN88 (8:41:26 PM): so just cause im a prep
MARKHMAN88 (8:41:31 PM): hookie means skipping?
xsokillmegntlyx (8:41:40 PM): lol, yea
xsokillmegntlyx (8:41:41 PM): yeah*
MARKHMAN88 (8:42:44 PM): ok
MARKHMAN88 (8:42:51 PM): just wanna make sure im cool with the lingo

lmao, Retarded. =P. lol, JK, Mark! I love ya.

Aright.. I'm out. I just had to get that off my incredibly bruised chest, Tehehehehe. Bye.
~Love//MeghanMarie~

I walk alone

2004-09-21T22:19:43Z

Today was good actually, lol. Kyle wasn't in school today. =(. That made me sad though. Ummmm... gym was so easy, lol, we did nothing. Tehehe. I had some classes as usual then lunch.. it sucked today. Brian didn't sit with us like he usually does because he thinks that Jess is avoiding him and wanting to break up with him, so I told her that and she looked at me kinda weird and then walked over and talked to him. Then Lindsey left us to sit with Jen, Jeff, Paul, and others. So it was just me, Mandy, Adam, Jon, Britney, and Chris, eventually Kelly's and one of her friends showed up. Chris and Jon tried looking down her shirt. I smacked Jon, lol, because he has a girlfriend now. So yeah... we all talked about who Chris went out with in 7th and 8th, then Kelly and I went over to John to see if he'd go out with Britney, but he said for her to go to the movies and see how it turns out. So we did. And blah blah. I talked to Caity today.=).=). YAAY! I love her, lol. I don't know what the hell is going on between her and Nick now. One minute they're broken up and the next we're just about getting back together, lol. I saw Casper today. He looked straight at me.. but I avoided eye contact with him because I'm pissed off at him. I finally got to the locker room. Got changed hella fast. Then left just as 2nd wave was getting to the high school. Like over half the people from the team took bus 24, lol, it was funny. I talked to Maria for a little bit because that's her bus and I NEVER talk to her. =(. So yeah.. shit happened with Lindsey and Colby again and just =/. I don't know. I called Kyle from my cell and talked to him for like 5mins. He play hookie today! haha. He didn't go to school because he had an Economics test and had a cold... which he most likely got from me. Tehehe. O:-) lol. But omg, I guess he doesn't realize that he's gona have to take it sooner or later, lol. Loser. =P. But that's okay.. because I love Losers.. especially him, lol. So yeah.. that made me laugh. Then battery was dying so I had to get off. =(. That's okay though. We got to Reeds. Started practicing. We didn't really have a practice today because the coach wanted to talk to all of us individually. So that happened. We played the USA shooting drill and World Cup. It was coolness. Then we scrimmaged... that was interesting, lol. Then everyone left. I talked to Colby because he was the only one there to talk to, so we had a good conversation. I haven't talked to him in soo long, lol. Usually when I see him it's in the halls so I always get a "HEY MEGHAN!!!" and he like yells it at me, lol. Dork. =P. Allison finally came and we were turning around the parking lot and I yelled bye to Colby and Ryan. Colby just yells at me "BYE MEGGY WEGGY PEGILY!!!" or something like that, lol, I was laughing my ass off. I came home. Showered and here I am.. about to leave so I can watch a movie... Save The Last Dance. =). Awesome movie! Aright. LaTaz.
~LuvAlwayz,Meghan~
I love you sooo much, Kyle. 8*15 xOxOx. :*:MyLife&Hero&BESTFRIEND:*: =). :-*.

I walk a lonely road, the only one that i have ever known, dont know where it goes but its a home to me and I walk alone. I walk this empty street, on the Boulevard of broken dreams, where the city sleeps, and im the only one and I walk alone.
-Boulevard Of Broken Dreams-((Green Day))

xlivexlovexregretx

hurlygrl893 @ 2004-10-06T18:29:00

hurlygrl893 @ 2004-10-06T17:21:00

I'm sorry I'm such a bad person

FUCK LIFE!! I FUCKIN GIVE UP ON EVERYTHING!!!!

hurlygrl893 @ 2004-10-04T20:45:00

GETTING AWAY WITH MURDER!!!

GETTING AWAY WITH MURDER!!!

You Saved Me From Myself...

MHS Tomahawks Varsity Football Game!!

*Kiss Me One Last Time*

Pictures from the Jv and Varsity soccer game with Syd and Kyle. =).

hurlygrl893 @ 2004-09-30T21:44:00

hurlygrl893 @ 2004-09-29T18:37:00

I Want My Life

I'm sorry I let my guard down...

hurlygrl893 @ 2004-09-27T21:41:00

I thought today was gona be a good day... but.. I was oh so wrong.. =/.

I Feel So...

My whole world is half hearted

hurlygrl893 @ 2004-09-24T21:43:00

Be Prepared To Fly

I'm ready to give up

The world makes me sick

hurlygrl893 @ 2004-09-21T20:32:00

I walk alone

Kiss Me One Last Time